Girl Gone Wild

When I was a kid, I associated anger with losing control. People gone wild. I did not like wild. I liked predictable, safe, and secure. I decided that I could achieve a predictable, safe, and secure life if I was in complete control. Control of myself and everyone around me, control of the moon and the stars, control of my sock drawer and linen closet. Anger became an obstacle to overcome. Of course, I couldn't actually prevent the feeling. But I could control the crap out of my behaviour. You've never seen such a calm, articulate angry person in your life. I've been told it was a bit scary.

Years ago, I was at a work conference in Santa Monica, CA. The facilitator was talking to us about feelings. Not a popular topic since we were a bunch of Canadian accountants. She asked us to act out certain emotions. We all just sat there like Canadian accountants. She talked to us about getting more comfortable emoting. She told us that there are no negative emotions. She said we needed to express our anger. I had trouble wrapping my head around that. I had spent over 30 years believing that anger was wrong and working to eliminate it from my life. I asked for an example of acceptable anger. The facilitator simply roared "Mother Bear". The room was not receptive. I was in tears. What the hell?! I got it. It was a serious shift for me. At least, a shift in belief. The shift in behaviour will probably be a life-long process.

I no longer believe that anger or any emotions are good or bad, reasonable or unreasonable. They just are. I’m still not a huge fan of losing my shit or having people around me lose their shit. I still think that fear is often misdiagnosed as anger. And my anger still looks like ice instead of fire. But I’m gradually loosening the reins. Although being honest, the change may only be visible under a microscope. Baby-steps, people!