Witchy Woman

I've been in a committed relationship for 34 of my 52 years. Now I'm single, divorced once and widowed once. I'm thinking about getting married again. To which I can hear my girls yelling, WTF Mom?! Don't freak out, my loves. It's just a thought.

I told my oldest, Jess, that I can't imagine remarrying. With wisdom beyond her years, she said I could remarry in five years and spend decades with my next person, longer than I had with either of my first two husbands. Saying "my first two husbands" in the same breath as contemplating a third makes me think of taking up smoking and wearing diamonds and furs. And that I should come with a warning label.

I was discussing the marriage question with one of my oldest, dearest friends. She told me that she's a goose, happier as part of a mated pair. I told her I might be a lone wolf, despite the evidence of my own life to the contrary.

In some ways, I'm an excellent wife. Intensely focused on my husband, passionate about creating a fulfilling life for us, loving and engaged AF. But in some ways, I can be a bit much. Those good qualities tipping into losing myself or smothering him or both. Giving in to the desire to possess my person like Ursula, the sea witch, possesses the lost souls. Although, I like to think I'm nicer about it.

As a mom and friend, I'm loving and engaged AF without losing myself or smothering. To which I can hear my girls laughing; although, it's a bit muffled from all that smothering.

Therein lies the magical key to healthy relationships - Boundaries. With most people I love, I have well-calibrated boundaries, right for the relationship and the person. But with my husbands? (pause for a long drag on my cigarette) The lines blur. I lose track of where I end and they begin. Losing myself in the process of loving them. Maybe I'm better off as a lone wolf.

If I find the courage to try it again and if there's ever a soul brave enough to be husband number three, I'll put my caldron, shackles, and chains in storage. To which the wise man asks, why not just throw them out?! To which I answer, read the warning label.