Are you there, God? It’s me, Kelly.

I've been joking that God hates me, what with my husband dropping dead and other challenges that hit close to 10 on my personal richter scale. I don't actually think God hates me. I think suffering is a natural part of the human condition. But, enough already for fuck's sake. I've indulged in self pity. I've wondered what I did in my past life, or my own past, to deserve this monstrous serving of suffering. Cue my brain listing all my wrong doings. So helpful. Thanks.

During one of my pity parties, I was struck. Not by lightening, although the way my life is going it wouldn't surprise me. I was struck by enlightenment.

Pull your head out of your ass, Kelly. You choose how to handle life's hardships and throwing pity parties is stupid.

I was viewing myself as a victim of circumstances and of wrong doers. Viewing myself as a villain reaping the harvest of my own wrong doings. Viewing the world as a Disney movie on a grand scale, filled with villains, victims, and heros. Focusing on life's villains, including my past self, instead of taking responsibility for the things I can change. As a victim, I am powerless. As a victim, I'm turtling under a rock throwing my pity party for one. What can I possibly do? God hates me.

I crawled out from under the rock and pulled my head out of my ass. I'm not a victim. I have power. The power to choose love over fear and hate, forgiveness over shame and blame, hope over negativity, life over death. Until my last breath.