Relationship Advice From A Widow

It's coming up on a year since my husband died. A heart attack out of the clear blue sky on a random Tuesday. I've been reflecting on our marriage and am filled with gratitude or regret depending on the day and my blood sugar level.

Here's some hard won relationship advice fuelled by the power of hindsight, courtesy of widowhood:

Fight. Don't bicker. If it isn't worth a real fight then it isn't worth mentioning. But if it's big, fight. Your fight might look perfectly civilized; calm, quiet, and articulate. Or it might look damn feral. No personal attacks of any kind allowed, even if they're calm, quiet, and articulate. Don't fight to be right. Fight for intimacy.

Listen. Not just to the words but to the deeper meaning, the feelings, longings, and vulnerabilities.  Listen to your partner and to your own heart. Act on what you've heard because loving is an action word.

Be honest. Tell the truth even if it's brutal, even if you worry it might mean the end of your relationship. Not saying the thing means the end of intimacy whether you stay together or not. Without honesty between you, you're loving a myth. You don't get true love without truth.

Kiss. Long, sexy kisses. If you don't want to, there is something very wrong with your connection. If you don't think you have time, there is something very wrong with your priorities. Solve those somethings.

Have sex. Make love. Fuck (sorry Mom and kids - it had to be said). A great sexual connection is relationship rose coloured glasses. Wet towel on the floor? Backseat driving? Dishes in the sink? No big deal. I can't possibly find you obnoxious when you rocked my world last night. 

Love the absolute shit out of your person because out of the clear blue sky on a random Tuesday it will be too late.