Seeking Love

Can a person overdose on vulnerability? I guess I'm going to find out.

I decided early in life that vulnerability was stupid. I decided that being guarded, controlled, and pragmatic was smart. Initially, it wasn't a conscious choice but it became an "if it ain't broke don't fix it" thing until my early onset mid-life crisis at 30. Something wasn't working for me and, since I didn't know what that something was, I took a sledgehammer to my entire life. Interesting strategy.

With the benefit of hindsight, I believe that my body and soul could no longer tolerate being imprisoned by my mind. And just to take the woo-woo up a notch, I believe the divine (or God if that fits better for you) pulled me toward enlightenment, toward my best self, my best life. It's a delicious belief. Highly recommend.

Anyhoo. Where was I? Right. Online dating. Actually, dating in any form. The ultimate act of vulnerability.

At the ripe age of 53, I'm no longer a stranger to vulnerability. I've competed in bodybuilding for years. If you haven't seen a competition, we stand in a row with our fellow competitors, all scantily clad, and make quarter turn after quarter turn for what seems like an eternity while judges make notes about our physiques and then publicly rank the top five. It's hard to say whether fifth is more painful that not even being worth a rank. I've bared my make-up free face, my grief over losing my husband, and my failings as an athlete, mother, and wife for any and all to see on social media. I've shared intimate thoughts through my books and blogs. From the outside, my life looks like a shining example of embracing vulnerability. To some extent, it is. And I have reaped profound benefits from sharing my authentic, imperfect self with the world. Deeper self-acceptance, confidence, and peace.

But.

While what I share publicly is truth, it isn't the whole truth. So while a staggering number of people know parts of me, very few people know all of me. My intimate circle is small. I'm now seeking a new member for that circle. My next romantic partner. Someone who will be as close to me as anyone has ever been.

I'm fucking terrified.