A Good Ending

A good ending. Is there such as thing?

I have a lump in my throat looking at this picture. My youngest is graduating, heading across the water to my alma mater, UBC. Motherhood continues but changes shape enough that this feels like an ending. It's my most recent ending in a bloody long string of them from a dead husband to pulling the pin on major projects and important relationships. My new guiding mantra - if it's not a wholehearted yes, it's a no - has endings reverberating through every aspect of my life. I've been striving for zen equilibrium, a just-right amount of grieving these endings balanced with optimism for my next round of beginnings. I've been telling myself that endings are a natural part of life, that everything ends one way or another, that the seed of an ending exists in every beginning. I've also been telling myself to stuff it, this sucks, and I hate it. Equilibrium without the zen.

I used to be utter trash at endings. I was a "pack my bags in the night, never to be heard from again" type. But the trash endings of my youth have haunted me. Getting it very wrong taught me the value of getting it right. Now I'm a "face-the-music" type, owning endings of my making (no more midnight packing), accepting endings that aren't of my making (like dead husbands and graduations), and, either way, grieving. 

There are good endings. A good ending is one handled with integrity instead of cowardice. A good ending is bitter sweet instead of straight-up bitter. A good ending doesn't haunt you.

The seed of a beginning exists in every ending.